Friday, 24 October 2014

Dear friend ,50 reasons i hope you stick around

(this post is one ive been working on since two of my good friends decided there weren't enough reasons for them to stick around anymore with in the space of a week. sadly this post comes to late for them but i hope someone somewhere reads this and realises that there are infact over 50 reasons for them to keep going.)

dear friend , 

i know right now you think it doesn't get better , i promise it dose. but in the mean time here are 50 reasons i hope you stick around 

1) your not done yet

with life , with friends, with family .. trust me there is so much this world needs you for.

2)your family/friends 

i bet you can think of at least 5 people whose world will never be the same without you in it and who would give anything for you not to feel this way right now 

3) " you don't want a permanent solution to a temporary problem" - hannah hart

not my quote but i wish it was. everything is temporary the way your feeling , the problem your faceing it will all pass at some point and im sure you want to be around to see that.


my friend , do you want to leave a world where mistrals exist .. come  on


5) kid president 

this little dude restores my faith in humanity with every video he makes.

6) laughing

at some point , your gonna laugh , like really laugh so much it hurts your ribs. think back to the last time that happened to you 

7) grace helbig. 

shes hysterical

8) your wedding day ..

someday your going to meet the guy/girl of your dreams and your gonna do the whole wedding thing. again , another thing to look forward to

9) kids

the logical order of things once your married. kids right ?. that tiny human needs you and will look up to you in ways you cant even imagine right now. but thats never going to happen if you don't keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through this right now

10)  graduation.

if you haven't graduated high school / collage / uni yet just think about how far into your course you are and how much work you have put into it. now just imagine the sense of accomplishment you will feel when you get that certificate. if you already graduated , you did it . see you can acomplish stuff look how far you have come

11) your pets


12)  quitting now would be letting it win

and your rocky freaking bowboa dude . you cant lose . your a winner

13) pizza hut

we live in  a world where you press a button  and people give you pizza . you can littraly even stay in your pjs and get pizza

14)  sunsets .. (i know its cheesy but look ..)

15) netflix 

this is pretty self explanatory.  but combined with nubers 4 ,13 or 16 .. possibly even  number 11 if there in a cuddly  mood. you will see why it made the list

16) ice cream

any flavour you want . as much as you can handle.

17) great british bake off

even if you just watch it for the innuendoes , its brilliant

18) christmas and  thanksgiving (if your from the other side of the atlantic)

so so many great things about the holidays. pick your personal fave

19) proving someone wrong

that moment when you get to sit there and watch someone eat humble pie

20) that moment when you first realise you have a crush ..

in instantly revert to a clumsy giggling bag of hormones. we've all been there and its awesome and adorable to watch from the outside as well

21) that other feeling when you finally get to kiss them

even better than realising you like them .. if you haven't experienced this yet. trust me its worth sticking around for

22) watching a baby try lemon for the first time

random , funny. you should youtube it

23) that one bare that waves at people ..


 24) that one awesome dude that does brilliant parodies

25) greys anatomy got good again

greys anatomy has become worth watching again .

26) viral youtube videos ..

you never know when the next funny youtube vid will be out.

27) this kids reaction to going to disney

28 ) come to think of it , DISNEY.

how that isn't on the list yet i don't know.

29 ) the fosters

30) there are still good people in the world

you just got to find them

31) high school is just 5 years out of a whole lifetime

and if you stick around thats an average of 90 years .. think about it

32) your not doing the world a favour by leaving 

right now you might feel like you're doing it for everyone else's benefit. that is not the truth

33) that moment when your crush/ significant other looks at you like your the only person in the whole world 

another one worth waiting for if you dont know what im talking about

34) cheeseburgers 

because calories are yummy

35) this does not eliminate the chance of life getting worse it just stops it being able to get better

very true statement

36) the world can't afford to lose you and robin williams. it just cant 

37) hot chocolate 

38) friends reruns 

even a possible reunion movie !

39) the harry potter series

40) hollidays 

think of the last holiday you went on where you could chill out on a beach or whatever you get up to on holiday

41) sarah milligan


42) russell howard


43) this 

45) i for one would love to here the rest of your message

46) lilo and stitch

47) this quote from walt disney

48 ) the fact that i still think about these two every day 

just incase you still dont think you would be missed

49) it truly does get better

50) ive been there 

and i promise its worth battling through

lots of love

question , questions

As a theology student , questions are kind of my "thing"

I've always , always been an inquisitive person. One of my first words was "why" and I literally went through a faze of pointing at everything and asking "what that" I guess I was born to be theologian 

One of the things I live the most about being at Saint mellitus is that we are encouraged to ask the questions we always wanted to trip Sunday school teachers and youth leaders up with but never dared utter them because we though we might get throw out of the room for being such a "fake christian" And questioning God 

This dose Of Course leave you wide open to doubt. and i would be lying to you if i didn't say some lectures have left my theology completely flipped upside down.

but in all reality thats kinda the point of this three years. theology isn't some neatly packed linner thing and it has very few definitive answers. as one of my lectures once said

"if you leave a lecture with more answers than questions then you clearly haven't understood the lecture"

its about realising god will always be way way out of our comprehension in this life. and then realising that he loves us enough to still make himself knowable.

sometimes you just got to stop and say "wow" because thats all the words you got to describe it. and honestly thats enough.

lots of love


Monday, 13 October 2014

Dear 30 year old me

So I've written a letter to my 13 year old self on this blog before. But I thought I would try it another way round. I'm going to write to my future self, kinda like a time capsule to look back on. 

Dear lolly , 

How it going in 2024 ?. So your 30 that makes Alf 21 Hoely crap you guys are adults !! 
How is your brother ? Did he ever figure out what he wanted to do ? I hope so I'm sure if he found somthing he loved he'd be awsome at it

Where are you living right now. England ? Canada? Or somwhere compleatly unexpected 

Please please please tell me you have at the very least been on mission to help orphans in Bulgaria ! Or did you even go as far as forfilling your dream of adopting one of them.

Speaking of kids. How many do you have ? Do you have any atall ? .. Actually family wise. Who did you marry? Are you married ? 

I have So many questions 30yo me about where you are and what your doing. But I also have some advice that at the moment you love and I don't what you to forget 

1) you are the most happy in your own skin you have been up until this point in time. If your unsure of yourself nowadays for any reason. Please remember that feeling you had aged 20 like you where on the edge of your adult life about to take on the world for jesus 

2) I beg of you don't have slipped away from God but if for whatever reason you have. Remember where you come from and how you got this far if that isn't a testament to christs love for you I don't know what is 

3) I'm sitting here 99% sure your surprised at how quickly your reading this blog post again. Please promise me you have tryed to make the most of the 10 years between writing this and reading it again 

Lots of love 

20yo - 13/10/2014

It's not just the leaves that are changing around here

So the last few weeks have seen some pretty significant changes around here.

First and foremost the weather has become desidedly good for one of England's best know games. Dodge the downpour. Yes autumn is here and it has brought with it a butt load of rain. But we don't mind because for all Saint mellitus students that means that retreat weekend is just around the corner #exitment 

I also don't think I've blogged about the new addition to the family. He's called Leo. He's a 6 month old rescue kitten and he is the definition of a good snuggle buddy. Early winter mornings are going to be way harder to handle now that I have to desterb this little guy to 

O yheeeer there is one other thing .. I'm changing jobs !

Like how I threw you off the scent there ?

So you may have detected a hint of uneasiness about my work las time I posted about it. The truth is I have had a niggaling feeling I'm not where God wants me to be for a while now. It's not the people , it's certinly not the youth ..

It's a god thing

I tryed to block it out for ages but when I finnaly gave in and looked for a new job. My new placement fell into my lap

I will be shadowing the Chaplin at the evangalina children's hospital at guys and St Thomases hospital

I am so exited to start this new chapter in my life and can't wait to tell you guys about it

Lots of love

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

beyond privileged

so today i was challenged about something

the way i use my money , it genuinely matters to God . and not just a little bit. a whole lot 

in the bible .when the rich young ruler came to jesus and asked what he had to do  to make sure he was doing what God had asked him jesus replys 

"it is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the gates of heaven"

so basicly there is not enough room for both you and your moneybags to get to heaven. 

God calls his disciples time and again in the bible to give all their possessions to those who needed it most. and that comment still stands for us today

i may not have had the best or most financially stable childhood but in my teenage years i have been extremely upwardly mobile. i now find myself comfortably in the middle class 

i go to a top west london theological college. i live in a three bedroom semi detached house with plenty of space that of course is filled with gadgets that i love. i reguly get to visit canada  and all sorts of other stuff that are apsoloutly not nessasery but are things I love having 

all this means that i am officially in the top 5% of wealth in the world.and if you have a roof over you head, food to eat and running water in a first world country so are you

what i was challenged about is how much is all of this material possession takes the throne in our heart as the thing we hold on closest to us. Thise of us that are Christians are called to not hold on to our money and to see all of our material possessions as gifts from god to be uesed to futher his kingdom

It's just somthing to consider next time I mone about student finance being a bunch of flipping jobsworths (which they are btw #notbitter) or not havering the latest iPhone

Lots of love


Saturday, 6 September 2014

why *nurotypical* is way overrated

    i wont bore you with the the list of medical conditions ive been labeled with but lets just say its alot

for someone who has to watch their eight year old sister overtake them physically and outstrip them mentally on a regular basis is very easy to look at her and get upset or jealous 

and on occasion , i have ... i know its ridiculous , she's eight 

but , guess what. being normal or "neurotypical" as the doctors like to call it 


and here is why.  
i get to learn valuable lessons about what it means to succeed after almost everyone has said you can't.

 she will never know the satisfaction of getting an email that starts 
"wow , that essay was amazing" after 12 years of working flat out just to scrape a pass

having the sheare joy of looking a dr/teacher in the eye and saying i did it anyway .. have a massive slice of humble pie my friend 

so when you look at it like that i'm not sure i want to be jealous actually, being neurotypical sounds kind of boring 

ps... I love her to pieces

lots of love 

Friday, 29 August 2014

somewhere between a complete mess and complete healing

as it stands today i am three months shy of having been a christian for five years ..

that's just crazy to me.

maby i will talk about this more on the date and have a celebration post on here but the fact that this time five years ago i had stepped into a church once and i only just made it made it through the service without walking out or screaming that it was all so ridiculous astounds me and i will always be grateful for that 

but i still have a long way to go .. don't we all

i still find myself on this learning curve where i have to figure out what god wants for my life.

as you know i have a huge heart for orphans. all orphans but specifically those in UK and eastern Europe 

and irs not hard to see why its orphans gods broken my heart for .. ive been there i know what its like to wonder if anyone even gives a dam 

but after all of the truly awesome god was doing with me at momentum and ss this year ive been thinking

do i even know enough to help these kids 

God and i have been working on this and as usual hes been showing me why im not the one in the driving seat anymore 

i realized noone living is fully who god wants them to be because we are human

and its myy  job to stand there somewhere between a complete mess and complete healing and bridge that gap the best i can

lots of love